Large Language Models (LLMs) became a household term after ChatGPT's introduction in late 2022 (fun fact: hallucinate snagged Cambridge Dictionary’s 2023 word of the year award). These shiny new developments opened up possibilities we believed to only exist in fictional movies like “Her”. They also created waves in my professional journey.
At the time, I’d been building eCommerce search solutions for 2 years. While search was one of many important pillars of our company strategy, it lacked urgency, and I regularly feared executive whispers whether our resources would be better spent elsewhere. With the hype around ChatGPT and LLMs, it opened up new ways for how to build search - mindsets shifting to “go all in”. Suddenly, search became a top priority for the company.
Fast forward to January 2025. I was on a walk with a friend, venting about work for the millionth time, when she bluntly responded: “Caro, you hate your job. Just quit.” Mic drop.
That night I couldn't shake off her comment. Was she onto something? I remembered all the product launches I was so proud of, but I also recalled the doctor appointments I skipped for yet another important executive review, dinners with friends where I counted the minutes until I’d return to my laptop, flying home early from a wedding for a CTO onboarding session, abandoning a yoga class in Panama to prep for a CEO review. Had I gone from loving my job to resenting it?
After weeks of soul-searching, I discovered the root cause: I struggled to access my creative mind, and as a result, no longer enjoyed work.
Creativity demands motivation - specifically, intrinsic motivation. Working hours were long, team culture had shifted - but that wasn’t it. A mentor introduced me to Robert X. Cringely’s concept of pioneers, settlers and town planners, and I realized there was a mismatch between what the team had evolved into and the environment where I thrive in. Search in eCommerce was far from done, but our team had transitioned from a scrappy idea to a 70+ team with multiple product lines. The next growth phase required town planners. While I could adapt to that role, it wasn’t the product stage where I excelled - I thrive in early-stage 0-to-1 product areas with high ambiguity.
Meanwhile, I’d been tinkering with new technologies after hours, and I’d become more and more motivated about non-eCommerce spaces. When, in October 2024, ChatGPT introduced Search - the ability to access relevant, accurate, real-time information to enhance conversations between humans and their AI collaborator - it became obvious that Search, as we’ve known it for the past 25 years, is about to get a complete makeover.
I flashed back to my Google Search days in 2020, when we were improving how government benefit information surfaced in search results. Traditional search was limited by the content quality of the ecosystem. While we made it easier for people to find relevant information, they still struggled with legal jargon in eligibility content or navigating complex forms. The combination of GenAI and Search has the power to adapt content to users as well as assist in the entire journey - from understanding eligibility to filling out forms to receiving benefits. That’s just one use case. What other opportunities could this dynamic technology duo unlock?
Creativity is suffocated by anxiety. The effects should have been obvious - I was gaining weight, experiencing more frequent autoimmune flare-ups, and my heart rate struggled to slow down at night. My coping mechanisms for anxiety clearly weren’t working.
In 2019, I had started pottery classes to bring a balance to my life and to enhance creativity. Yet it had been over a year since I last sat at the wheel. When I moved to a new apartment, my office and pottery studio ended up in the same room. As my resentment towards work grew, I eagerly avoided that room as soon as I closed my laptop for the night. Pottery became emotionally tied to work stress.
Without my creative outlet, I was missing my method for reducing anxiety. Creativity and anxiety are connected - it’s often said that anxiety blocks creativity. I recently discovered a theory about this connection (likely from Martha Beck, though I can't find the source): it’s not unidirectional but bidirectional. As much as anxiety can reduce creativity, engaging in creative pursuits can reduce anxiety. By abstaining from pottery without a substitute, I allowed my anxiety to run wild.
So I quit.
On April 11, 2025, I attended my final team product demo, during which I cried in front of 70+ people. I'm someone who tears up during every Grey's Anatomy episode or mildly spicy food, but even I felt somewhat mortified by this public display of emotions. I wasn’t just leaving colleagues, a job, a paycheck. I was mourning the loss of a community, friends who valued me, and a sense of purpose. Who was I without my work identity?
For the first time in my life, I had quit without a plan for what came next. But dealing with the unknown is yet another way to manage anxiety, it forces growth (thank you, Esther Perel!).
My first week of "funemployment" terrified me, I was afraid of loneliness. When you're accustomed to back-to-back meetings, silence can feel deafening. So I started calling my mum on my daily walks - everyone else was busy working, after all. Despite our increased contact, I never once felt annoyed or snapped at her. My mum and I have a great relationship, but you know, even in the best mother-daughter relationships, mums know exactly which buttons to press. However, without work depleting my patience battery, I could actually be present and focus on connection.
So what’s next?
Learn and tinker, pressure-free. I am curious to explore new technologies, build apps that simplify daily life, maybe become fluent in Spanish.
Get lost in pottery. I’m dreaming of a new kitchenware collection inspired by random travel patterns - plates, bowls, and cups that tell stories of coincidental beauty.
Reconnect with myself. Currently writing this from a 4-week Ayurveda retreat in India, followed by a lineup of summer hiking trips that serve a meditative purpose to me.
Reconnect with family and friends. Time to pay back all those hours I spent physically present, yet staring at my phone.
Let’s come back to LLM vs. LLN. While most are familiar with LLM, the acronym LLN is self-invented and stands for Live Life Now. For the past two months, people have kept asking me: “Are you interviewing? Or are you taking a longer sabbatical? ” Final verdict for LLM vs. LLN - ideally, it should not be either-or. I’m attempting to live in the moment, accepting that parallel outcomes could unfold throughout 2025. I’m not rushing to start a new job, but I’m also not saying no to the right opportunity. The goal is simply to stop feeling guilty about how I spend my time.