208 days and counting - that's how long I haven't been working. It was a voluntary decision to confront my need to find self-worth through work and instead grow from the unknown of being funemployed. If you can't deal with the uncertainty, you can't deal with conflicts. But despite choosing this path, the anxiety in those first few weeks was still overwhelming.
On the first Friday of funemployment, I fell into the trap I was trying to avoid. While innocently browsing LinkedIn, I saw a posting for my dream job - applied and got interviews scheduled a week later. Guess what? I completely tanked it. I was devastated, certain I'd overestimated my value in the job market. I should have felt privileged to quit my job without major financial worries - instead, the looming dread of the job market felt worse than Monday morning blues.
I was ready to guilt myself into a job application marathon. Fortunately, I'd already booked a 28-day Ayurveda detox retreat in India - the most advanced form of traditional Indian medicine, targeted to heal the body from chronic stress and autoimmune diseases. Since adolescence, I've struggled with various autoimmune conditions, likely triggered by the pressure I put on myself as soon as I started school. Over the years, I've visited hundreds of doctors across all disciplines, tried out alternative medicines - autogenic training, acupuncture, stone speaking (don't ask). I started losing trust in doctors, never quite sure if they were treating the cause or just the symptoms.
Until India.
From day one, I was mesmerized by how in tune the doctors were with nature and their own intuition, listening to the body to understand which herbs could enhance wellbeing. Without going too much into what may sound like hokuspokus, what did I gain from the experience? My chronic scalp infection? Under control for six months. My persistent gum bleeding? Gone within two days of using herbal powder. My endless food intolerances? Well, I haven't been too adventurous, but the fasting, endless buttermilk and hot ghee, plus ten days of enemas did their magic - including losing those stubborn ten pounds. Somehow, probably after week two, the physical lightness transferred to a lightness in my mind that allowed me to feel more grounded. While I'd planned to study and interview in the evenings, I eventually admitted I was too weak and gave in to the daily routine of the program - basically doing a whole lot of nothing.
It took far more than four weeks in India to find that permanent stable ground again. Somewhere around the third month of funemployment, I stopped randomly crying about the tiniest annoyances. When did I truly feel like myself again? It was a random day in August, four months after I quit. I was at home in Germany, by then obsessed with my daily routine of 2+ hour walks, usually through the natural reserve of grass fields with blooming summer flowers behind my parents' house. My daily mantra app (I refuse to call it a horoscope app) told me I should listen to a nostalgic song - I landed on Nelly Furtado's "I'm Like a Bird." As I listened, I suddenly found myself dancing through the fields without a worry in my mind. I was in control again. Cheesy, I know.
As I spent large portions of my days reading and listening to podcasts while taking hourlong walks, there were two people I enjoyed listening to the most - Simon Sinek and Esther Perel. Acknowledging the advancements in technology and AI that theoretically allow you to never leave your house and not need anyone, they recognize the importance of human connection. It's fair to say I didn't accomplish all this healing on my own. Once I returned from India with regained confidence - ugh, I hate sounding like a cliche - I was ready to focus on my second sabbatical goal: reconnect with family and friends. For the last two years, I was certain I'd neglected them in favor of work.
"Life is not only about efficiency. Life is not only about getting from point A to point B as quickly as possible. Life is about sharing connections with other human beings, sharing a vibrancy, sharing a resonance, sharing a frequency." - Trevor Noah
Over the summer, I sold my apartment in NYC and moved all my belongings into storage - on top of being unemployed, I was now also unhoused (the fancy term for homeless, I guess). I went out into the world for a tour-of-duty visiting family and friends. Skincare overdose shopping in Seoul, running to the Gracie Abrams concert in Toronto dressed in rubbish bags, watching a meteor shower in my parents' jacuzzi, clubbing in Ibiza until 7am with a next-day emergency room visit, and many, many more. While I rarely knew where I'd sleep the following week, it was freeing to just let go of plans and be present. Now is probably a good time for a shout-out to all those great humans who offered their spare bedrooms and couches without hesitation. You're cordially invited to visit - any time.
But it wasn't all fun and games. Especially the dynamics of extended time in Europe felt like a form of therapy. Constantly being asked to defend my life choice of living in the US, especially with the current political climate - wouldn't it be so easy to move back now that I have to look for a new job anyway? Spending time with my sister - I love her, but our differences often require a lot of patience. My wish-list "sister" with whom I have the best late-night couch hangs, but who asks tougher questions than any therapist at 11pm. Adjusting to a range of dynamics across various homes I stayed in. Growth comes from friction I guess.
I'm writing this from a stunning hotel in Cartagena, Colombia, watching people sipping their champagne and espresso martinis at 11am - White Lotus vibes for the win! I'm now four weeks away from starting a new job. Interviewing was rough and surely felt like a punch to my self-confidence on some days - that journey deserves its own post. I'm glad I took time though, without rushing the process, and landed a job I'm super excited about.
Along the way, I finally took the plunge and moved back to San Francisco. There are three things I'm looking for in my life right now - deep connections, nature, and learning. NYC provides #1, but lacks #2 and #3. I'm scared about rebuilding friendships on the west coast, but the moment I stepped foot back into San Francisco, it felt like home again.
During my sabbatical, I didn't get to do all I'd set out to accomplish - I had to cancel multiple hiking trips for health reasons, I hardly did any pottery because I never stayed in one place long enough. That's part of the next phase. During my time off, I managed to build healthy routines and boundaries. As I re-enter the workforce in a couple of weeks, I'll focus my remaining time on determining how to protect those. I finally don't feel guilty anymore about how I spent my time - my main OKR for the sabbatical - now let's make sure it stays that way. My favorite thing about the last 208 days, as simple as it may sound - waking up almost every day without an alarm - a habit I guess I have to give up.